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October 6th, 2009


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sharonlover
01:42 pm - Rebirth of a Legend (The Re-Write)
So I've gotten much criticism over my fanfiction Metroid trilogy. Much of it has helped shape my writing abilities, while other's have inspired me to continue what I was doing. So the other day, I wanted to re-start the last book in my trilogy; however, it had been so long since I thought about it, I decided I needed to go back and re-read my previous two stories in order to get an idea of where I was going. In doing so, I was horrified at the level of writing that I did, so much so that I've decided to re-work my first two stories before I continue with the third.

Some of you may have read this story all ready, my apologies for delivering such a horrid piece of writing. While my writing now is by no means publishing quality, I do enjoy getting criticism and remarks for my stories to make them better. Please if you have any input, I'm open :) If you haven't read my trilogy before then I think you will find it adventurous and hopefully entertaining. I haven't changed much in the way of plot from the original story, mostly wording, grammar and some better narrative.

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Rebirth of a Legend
Matthew 'Sharonlover' Sharpe

I do not own Metroid or any of the characters and game mechanics in this story.

Chapter 1: The Passing of the Torch


The sun settled toward the north as evening began to approach, a warm spring breeze carried the scent of wildflowers in through the windows of a lone house nestled snugly atop a small hill. A woman sat at the bay window watching the sky; the first hint of stars began to glitter on the southern horizon. Two moons, one waning into nothingness, the other full and bright, raced up from the mountains like children playing one last game of tag before night forced them home. The old woman's wrinkled brow creased further as she began to reminiscence about her years spent in space; traveling and adventuring from one galaxy to another fighting the forces of the Space Pirates. It seemed that time had really flown back then, and in a way it truly had; the woman at the window was a mere forty, but her appearance screamed much older and her body constantly reminded her with jolts of arthritic pain. Samus didn't have the chance to live her dream, to see world peace come to the universe or the forces of the Space Pirate Legion crumble into chaos. No, she had been sentenced to an early death, one caused by a previous mission to a space lab. It was there that she had contracted the X-virus; and there shortly after that she had been cured by the Metroid vaccine; only to discover that the unknown side effect was an acceleration of ones body to age.

Samus did not complain though, Old Bird had already given her the expectations of her destiny and the assurance that she would surely die as a consequence of that fate; the fate of a protector of the galaxy. She had fully expected to find her demise during the pursuit of her mission objectives to wipe out the space pirates, but beyond the Chozo's foresight, Samus had lived and brought the pirate's close to extinction. With her accelerated aging though, she had been forced to retire before their presence could be vanquished from the universe, leaving the rest of her mission in the hands of the Galactic Federation. Old Bird, Chozo scientists, and the Galactic Federation worked on finding a way to reverse the affects; however, little could be done. Old Bird had been the closest to an answer, but before he could bring them to light, he passed through to the other dimension, his work lost to everyone. The council elected Scint, a fellow Chozo, into Old Bird's position, his trusted aide and closest friend.

She returned to Amidos shortly after, taking refuge in her new home and visiting with the Chozo; her adopted family who pulled her from the ashes of what would have been her death and raised her as their own. "Is there anything I can get for you mom?" Samus turned from the window to meet the gaze of her daughter, Lana Aran. Her natural emerald green hair was up in a ponytail, her blue eyes kindled curiosity for her mother's thoughts. For Samus, it was almost like looking into the past; her daughter's pale white complexion glowed with youth and her smile reflected sincerity towards her mother. She had recently celebrated her seventeenth birthday and was living out the life Samus could only have dreamed of, growing up as close to normal as one could among the Chozo denizens of Amidos and preparing for a career in Galactic Federation politics.

"No I'm fine", Samus replied lifting herself from the bay window and lying down on her bed, "I think I will take a nap though."

"Very well. I am going into town to get some ingredients for dinner."

"I won't be going far", Samus joked halfheartedly, glancing back out the window as she began to doze lightly. Lana gathered a light coat and made her way out of the house, heading toward the small town off in the distance. She thought about her mother and how little she actually knew about her past; even more so how little she knew about her father. Her mother had been the best bounty hunter in the universe; her unsurpassed combat skills and strategic planning had led to a massive reduction in the Space Pirate population. They all seemed like legends and fairy tales to the young Aran who could only see her frail mother and not the impressive bounty hunter with the legendary power suit that single handily could take out an army. Still the proof was in the sky where off in the far reaches of the galaxy, Samus had blown apart one of the Chozo's worlds and her own childhood home, Planet Zebes. Off toward the west, Lana could make out the shimmer of stars as they swirled around an invisible vortex where the planet once made it's home. She recalled her mother telling her about Zebes and Mother Brain, and how her rage had been unleashed when she had found the body of Houston Armstrong, her father, decomposing in the pirate infested tunnels. Samus had met him when she was young, discovering the young bounty hunter among the wreckage of a ship he was hired to escort. During there short time together on Zebes, the two had grown close and soon fell in love with each other among the sparkling crystals of an underground lake.

...|...


Samus awoke to the gentle tapping sound of nails on hardwood floor; the sound was unfamiliar to her and she quickly felt for the zapper gun she left holstered to her bedside table. She grabbed the firearm and slid it beneath the covers, ready to greet the discourteous visitor who lacked the respect to knock before entering ones abode. Crime was a rarity among the Chozo but years of bounty hunting had left her the most wanted on many people's hit list though no one really knew where she had disappeared to. Just outside her door, she could make out a shadow moving at the bottom of the door; the knob gently clicked as the latch receded into the door, a pair of nails appearing around the door as it silently cracked open.

"I know you're there, show yourself", Samus remarked, her tone rising with her anger.

"Very well then", a raspy reply came, instantly sending shivers down Samus' spine. The door was flung open; smashing into the wall and snapping the hinges; it crashed loudly to the hardwood floor. The blood rushed from Samus' head and she steadied herself with her free hand, dizziness overcoming her, she could see the large red scaly dragon through the door, his elongated head lowered just below the top of the door, a sneer seemingly pasted on his face. Ridley squeezed himself into the room, struggling to force his way in through the already custom sized Chozo enlarged portal. "I heard you were bed ridden and so I decided to drop in and see how you were doing", he hissed, sitting on his haunches at the foot of the bed, his eyes seemingly burning a hole through Samus' head.

"I was wondering when you were going to show up; you're like a cockroach, no matter how many times I try to kill you, you always come back. I had hoped it would have been in a better setting then this", she replied motion at the confines of her room, "but no less you won't kill me so easily". She brought the zapper out from under the cover and leveled it at Ridley's head, squeezing the trigger. Ridley swiftly swatted the shot away with his tail, sweeping the gun from her hands with the same motion. Samus eyed the gun, now flung to the far side of the room, it was a pointless battle. "I know what you came here to do, and you won't get away with it", she said defiantly.

"I'm glad to see that you understand your situation", he replied, distracted by a device a pirate was bringing in behind him. He watched with glee as the pirate fiddled with the bar stool size device, plugging wires in and typing on a small console. Samus knew what it was, even before the timer began to tick away in some language she could not understand. "As much as I would love to sink my tail through your chest and feel your heartbeat stop myself", he sneer, his mind relishing the thought before pushing it aside, "I would much rather see you humiliatingly blown to pieces while you feebly try to save yourself", he turned to the pirate setting up the explosive, "You, stay here and ensure everything goes as planned."

"Sir? You mean outside?" It grunted out in its native tongue.

"No you simpleton, right here to make sure she does not dismantle that."

"Sir...if I.."

"You're a monster!" Samus screamed at the pirate general.

"Shut up!" He snapped at the pirate who backed off in fear, "what good is a pawn who isn't willing to sacrifice himself for the king?" He turned his attention back to Samus, "I believe it was that old codger, Old Bird, who called me a monster once, a concept that you seemed to re-enforce over the years and every time I would deny it." He seemed to think for a minute before continuing, "It took some time to let that sink in, but yes...yes I...", he grinned evilly, curling the ends of his mouth into a sneer, "...am a monster". He turned to squeeze back through the door, looking back, "I will leave you with the words you left with me as I bled to death on the floor of that damned planet, checkmate old friend."

...|...


An eternity seemed to pass as Samus tried to figure out how she could take out the pirate and dismantle the explosive. She was just glad that Lana hadn't been home when her visitor stopped in. "You are an idiot", she said toward the pirate standing guard by the explosive; she began to remove the covers from her body, ignoring the guttural noises she knew as pirate language coming from the creature. She slowly worked her way toward the explosive and the pirate, "Are you really willing to die for that heathen?" The pirate lifted his arm in warning, only to be ignored; she was quickly met with the hard exo-skeletal wrist of the pirate, a hit that sent her sprawling onto the floor. Ignoring the pain, she tried crawling toward the explosive; the pirate wasn't going to have any part in any type of failure. He walked over to her, kicking her in the abdomen forcing her body to roll closer to the bomb. "Just a little more", she thought as she turned to reach up to the console, coughing and wheezing as she tried to gasp for air.
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[User Picture]
From:avroillusion
Date:October 18th, 2009 09:32 pm (UTC)
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You seem serious about writing so...I won't hold back! >:D First off, there's too much exposition so the pacing is sluggish. Two phrases to keep in mind when you write is "show, not tell" and "in media res" (starting a story when the action occurs). Also, you use too many adverbs. (words that end in -ly) Don't put too much information into one sentence; split it up into smaller ones.

Starting the story with a major scene hooks the reader, and showing world building and character past rather than just explaining keeps them reading. I would omit he first two paragraphs and start with:

"Is there anything I can get you, mom?"

Also omit most of the sixth paragraph. The same amount of info can be expressed in two or three sentences. Lana also doesn't have much of a voice or individual character from what I can read; she speaks too formally and her appearance doesn't tell me anything about her personality. Express it in dialogue, actions and mannerisms.

Ridley will never use a door. Instead of being suspenseful, imagining a big space dragon trying to open up the door to Samus' house is silly. It makes more sense to...well...attack the house from the outside. From the way you've set this up, Samus doesn't have a chance of surviving one second past the second part. You should rewrite the whole second and third parts.

Something that makes more sense is Samus living in a quiet part of a large city on the planet and is awoken by sirens because Ridley has attacked, killing innocents trying to find her.
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